What's your " mommy?"

I often feel guilty because for " me " personally...... being an awesome mom to my kiddos.... just isn't enough for m.e.  I know how selfish that must " sound." and I'm okay with that.   You can throw tomatoes at me later.
 .I've learned so many things over the years about myself as a person... but more so about myself as a mother , wife, parent and most importantly as Debby.  ( yep.. that's my name)   I've learned over the almost 7 years of being a mom- that I neglect myself incredibly.    So "Selfish" is okay.  At least for me it is.  Selfish has this terrible connotation but selfish can mean simply-  putting myself first 1/ 2million times.

I struggled for many years to balance the feelings I had for this " mommy job."  The days that were blissful... the days that were PULL MY EYEBROW HAIRS OUT ONE BY ONE torture. I've struggled to find the part of it that made me feel so " peaceful."  I watched other moms say  how much they LOVED staying at home and really felt the burn of such sweet statements.

Why couldn't I FIND THAT?
What was WRONG with me?

Yes.  Loved my kids.  Took great care of them.  Awesome mom as much as I can be with 3 grasshoppers tuggin at my every step-  needing ... wanting.  I do those things.

   While I do so very much love that I can stay home, see my MnM off to school-  keep my babies at home with me during the day.  I dont' actually get FULFILLMENT from all of it.  It actually drives me the other way to be very, very, raw and honest.

 I search for things to do, like blog, write, create etc.  So that I stay fresh.  So that my mind has opportunities to blossom.  I don't wait for things to come to me.... I got out and search for them.  I thrive on it.  


If selfish is wrong.. then I don't want to be right. <--- I love using that !

  I can be a mom.  And it's one of the best parts of my life if not THE BEST.  But being a MOM... That's just one facet of Supah.  I am also allowed to have other facets.  Writer, philanthropist,, comedianne... friend, wife,  creator, daugther, community activist, bad typist and entrepeneur.

I can BE  all of those things because I MAKE THE RULES.  No one else.  I don't live by anyone else's 'journey."  Yours is different than mine.

I can be all of those facets.....  nurture each one.  By doing so... I  ..... create a better "  Me:  and thus a better Mom., wife , daughter, sister, friend and so on.

  I don't beat myself up anymore when I hear someone sweetly gush about loving this mommy job.  I just realize that my " mommy"  is different than theirs and that's okay. What's your "mommy?"

Toothfairy.

Mnm seems to have woken up with a missing tooth.  The case of the missing tooth.... that I didnt' even REALIZE was THAT wiggly.  <-- supah mom

I'm pretty sure she ATE IT. in her sleep.  YUMMAY.   That's always fun for the system.   Hope it wasn't one of her vampire teeth.  That'll hurt  upon exit.  Okay not really . but still..  you know you thought about it. 

So anyways.   What I wanted to tell you all....  I've moved on from threatening present slash gifts blackball  with the big S. Claus.. to using and abusing Mizz Tooth Fairy.  In MY house.. Mizz. T Fairy is gettin 'er done ya'll! <-- best Texas accent

We chucked the toothpaste and have switched to Tooth Soap®.  Tooth Soap®  is wicked awesome stuff... but it IS an aquired taste for adults.  Imagine kiddos. 

So I had to be creative.  I pimped out MIzz T Fairy.  Oh yes I did. 

MNM-  uh - uh.. no way!  I'm not tryin that stuff. 

Supah-  ( sing song font)   I hear the this stuff gets your teeth REALLY cleannnnnn

I bet the TOOTHFAIRY $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  likes REALLY clean teeth. I bet she'd leave you a little sumthin sumthing extra for your dedication to clean teeth!  * dramatic eye brow raise and shoulder shrug to reallly bring it home*

Mnm-  wheel$ turnin. 

Supah -  eye brow shrug again.... a little shake shake of the bottle . 

MNm.  -  Okay.  I'll do it. 

And thus began our love affair ... one child.. with TS.  

Yep Yep is still wayyyy pissed AT me for switching.    She said to me today:

I'M TAKING DOZE BACK TO DA TOOF FAIRY. WIGHT NOW! 

:)  One day at a time. 

So MnM ate her clean tooth.  

She wrote the Tooth Fairy a note - detaling her efforts with Tooth Soap®  lol.  

Perhaps THIS time the TOOTH FAIRY won't FORGET to put it under her pillow and realize it 4 seconds before she wakes up, commando crawl to her bed and WHISPER FREAK OUT WHEN DBD BEGINS YELLING IN THE HALL WHILE undercover TOOTHFAIRY SUPAH is holding TOOTH IN HAND AND MONEY TOO.  

Tha'ts another story. :)

Rhino Ballerina and Land Mines

Booger Bear ( age almost 1 yr)  has super sonic hearing.  Its some sort of superman sent gift from her REAL family on planet crytpon .....because surely she does not get it from DBD<--- he doesn't hear jack shit at any point in time.  He will lie to you and say that he can hear just fine.  HOwever Dr. SupahEarDoctor diagnosis different.  I once made  him get his hearing checked CONVINCED that being on a naval flight deck for all those years seared all parts of his ears. that produce SOUND.

  I WAS WRONG. 

 Or so says the Mickey Mouse doctor he picked for the test.  So anyways.  Booger bear can't REALLY be ours because she has BAT hearing. 

Do bats hear?  No huh?  Crap.  

Well you get the point.  

If I put her to sleep.  She does all good.  Until she hears one of us walking down our hallways. ONE LITTLE EENSY WEENSY CREEEEEEEEEAK... .... AND we're goners.   AB SO LUTE GONERS. 

So we have to be stealthy. 

Skilled.

Silent. 

*007 theme song insert HERE*

A NIGHT NIGHT STORY.

Here's how it all goes down..

I stay up all hours. 

I regret it always. 

I DECIDE TO  head upstairs.  I stand at the bottom of the stairs.  

I stare up at Booger Bears door... dead center at the top. 

I plan. 

I attack. 

I execute the stairs.

Tip toes... 1.....stair... side left.. 2 stair... 3 stair... crrrrrrrr... OHHH... back 2 stair.... * BREATH* try again 3 stair left... 4 and 5.. walking on air... stayin alive..stayin alive.. AH AH AH * pay attention SUPAH!!*  six stair cuuurrrrrreeeeeeee ahhhhhhhh???!!  * back to 5. * RIGHT side six stair.. seven .. teip toe... eight , nine and LEAP over 10.. <--- IT'S A MO FO creaker  11, side left.. 12. and TOP.. 

Pause.. breathe breath.. 

hold breath hold breath

NO sudden movements! 

Pivot body left.  

No sounds yet.  

Stare down long hallway to awaiting master bedroom. 

The hall is riddled with creaks and cricks.  It's a MINE FIELD ... 

I must navigate it like a champ. 

and GO! 

WAIT.. im not ready.  

BREATH breath.. 

TIPPY TOES...

TIPPY TOES.. 

I'm too fat for tippy toes these days.  

PUSH FORWARD SUPAH!  TIPPY TOES OR DIE! 

OK.. on tippy toes like some rhino ballerino... poised to plee-ay <-- ballet word  

down the hall..

and gently tippy toe step forward... 

no creaks

one more bigger step

 no creaks

getting braver

a little faster

leappppppppppp and land ! 

GET DOWN on ground

commando crawl the next 3 feet to evenly distribute weight of rhino ballerina

3 feet ..elbow.... knees elbow knees... ( rug burn OWWW!)

Stand up!..... ALL'S QUIET IN THE HALLFRONT! 

5 feet left! 

Tippy toe side step right... and shuffle ball change shuffle ball change

fallap heel.. fallap heell..

VICTORY!  the door! 

Phew* dramatic whiping of the brow is always a necessity here... even all alone in the hall with me myself and I. 

Open door  SUCESSS!!!!! Happy dance!  

Close door EVER SO QUIETLY.. turn to see DBD staring at me and then he says....... hey your favorite ever body pillow  that you can't sleep without is in the basement.  I forgot to tell you that. 

What I forgot to tell her...

There's so much sadness this week on the net that I want to share with you my sweet sweet family news.  My new cousin.  Aubree Lynn - born into this world yesterday to my cousin Sean and his wife Sara.  Sean lost his mother , I lost my Aunt, Sara lost her mother -in -law to be 6 years ago this past OCtober.  Our family was devastated beyond repair.  The one shining light during that time was the birth of my first daughter, the first great grandchild- the first everything.  My aunt got to meet her and then passed a few weeks later.  MnM was our angel.  She took our minds off of it all.  She made us smile.  She made us thankful for life despite the loss of our sweet Aunt Karen.

Six years and and 7 months later we welcome Aunt Karen's little granddaughter into the world.  Our hearts cannot be heavy for this sweet little nugget reminds us that she lives on..  EVery breath she takes is in part because of my Aunt.

Sara and I have exchanged emails  and advice throughout her pregnancy.  As a first time mother she had lots of questions and her innocence reminds me of the sweetest times of my life.

 I wrote her  a few letters giving her " supah" advice-  lol  being my funny self.  I told her of all the hard times, of the funny things about pregnancy .. about all the advice givers and how to deal with them.

But I missed telling her the most important stuff. The feelings I was reminded of today as I heard the news of Aubree's entry into our world;

Sara, I forgot to tell you ...

That parts of your heart will bloom Sara-  and you will feel your heart grow 100 x as you  each and every single time  you look at her sweet face

the smell of her baby head will make your heart physically ache

When  you look at her face ... and feel her sweet breath..... the world will have no sounds but her.


when you touch her tiny fingers  you will marvel at how small they are  and you will wonder what good she will do with them

when she smiles for the first time when you walk into a room-  it will take your breath away

when her first steps are into your arms-   you will want to hold her forever and never let her go

when she says her first word-  you heart will forever be seared with her sweet voice

and when you hear her cry in pain-  you will feel her pain yourself in every ounce of y our body


you will cry when she proudly steps onto the school bus and then your heart will rip in pieces when she happily waves goodbye-

 you will want to throw  yourself in front of " time" to just simply HALT IT for a moment. Stop it with such force so that you can again find one more second to touch her tiny fingers, feel her feathery soft hair , hold your breath as she laughs her first laughs.

Because you can't get that back Sara-

so smell away sara
touch her downy soft hair with your fingers
marvel at her fingers for hours
feel the curve of her little nose
giggle at how she puts her bum in the air when she sleeps
laugh with her when she is silly
forget the dishes and the laundry
don't worry about the worries- there are always more
just hold her and tell her how wonderful she is
because she is your baby girl - and your life is forever changed today


i forgot to tell you all that. ...


xoxox
d

Moral of the story...

Parenting can be so hard sometimes.  Wait.  Scratch that shit.   Parenting is hard MOST OF THE chucking TIME.  I have three little girls of varying ages and they keep me on my toes.  There's always some calamity that happens and our lives are " interesting" to say the least.  You all know this.  I make not up the stories I tell you.  I lie you not. ;)


 The most recent event occured when my eldest, proud to be riding her new big girl bike, pedaled around the back of the house to put away her bike.  This bike has about 7 miles on it total. 


  We've endured hours of holding the back of her bike - running our fat asses down the street promising not to let go.  Night after night.  Only to go to the store one day while my mom was watching the girls.  Of COURSE we got a call while we were out that MNM was RIDING THAT DAMN BIKE.  While we weren't there.  Without our coddling and my husband's helicoptering. 


So .. she finally rides.  BORRRRRRN FREEE!   She wants to ride every single place.  I tell her no.  Because she can ride.. but she's all wobbly and shit.  So she was riding in our driveway which swings around back... where I cannot see.  * foreshadowing musid*


  I was on the front porch with the baby enjoying the sunshine , feeling a breath of relief, when of course I heard it.   You know what I hear. 
That SCREAM. 


 The one where your heart seizes in your chest and you just KNOW it's not good.  Sunshine time was over. 
I was barefoot.  Running.  

I raced around back , baby on hip,  Yelling her name to find out where she was.  Flashbacks to years back when she rolled her trike down the neighbors hill.. where I could not see her at the bottom.  I was frantically running around looking for her... not placing her screams.  THis time.. I find her behind the house.  In the back area of the driveway.  She is on her bottom  , the bike is to the side  and MOTHER CHUCK IF HER ankle ISN'T  PINNED between the pedal and the kickstand area. 


SERENITY NOOOOOW!!  


 It was wedged so tight that any movement set off a fire storm of wails.  Baby in arms, three year old near by watching in confusion , I ran to find some sort of TOOL to try and get her free.  I found nothing.   * NO THANKS TO DBD'S NON EXISTIFUCKANT ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS*


I was FREAKING OUT inside.  Trying to think what the hell I was going to do.  

My one saving grace.  My cell phone.  For some reason I had it in hand at that moment.  Something that is not normal for me if you ask any of my frustrated phone friends <--- lies.. they'll tell you.. exaggerations... and drama ;)


BUT THEY CAN ALL SUCK IT.. because I had it yesterday.   I had my phone.  

I ended up calling 911 and while we waited I tried to calm her down, calm myself, stabilize the bike from movement with my leg, hold a `12 month old in  my arms and corral my 3 year old who was running loose.  I had no one around to help otherwise.  I felt so isolated.   Fucking supah mom is right. 

The fire department came and I quote, " had never seen anything like it."  After much time, tools and discussions on how best to free her.  The bike was cut apart, the wheel taken off, the jaws of life used to no avail.  My kid freaks at a birthday candle.. at loud noises.. at ROBOTS.  


Do you know what level of anxiety she was at when they brought the jaws of life machine out, complete with a generator? 


Kill me. now. 


 Eventually we moved her position and with the chain cut her ankle was freed. She got up and flitted about as if nothing had happened.  As if rocks and gravel weren't embedded in my ass, as if my heart wasn't as hard as a rock with fear.  


  She was just fine but I'm not sure I was. I held it together and kept my cool the whole time,  however afterwards I felt like a mac truck had hit me.  Physcially felt the anxiety of the entire situation hit me. 

Parenting is HARD.  You have to be prepared for everything.  Moral of my story.  Take your cell phone with you everywhere.  You just never know. 

Supah Does Vegas

Supah does Vegas 

Way back before I was Supah.  When Supah was only a vision in my blank and dazed mommy eyes.   My husband , during our formative years of only 2 children and more money, suprised me for our 6th anniversary with a trip to Vegas.  The best part WAS... that he wasn't GOING ! WOOO HOO..  Yes.  I'm a total biznotch like that.  He SUCKS  BASS to travel with unless he's drunk and happy.  And usually I'M the one DRUNK and happy .. so he's stuck driving and all grumpy boo boo at the world.  But he wasn't GOING.  

  He got it for me and my sis.  The " Nenny."   Sweet momma mercy.  What a gift it was!

I was so excited I almost pissed my pants at the mere thought of packing a bag that didnt' hold diapers, bottles nor one ounce of butt cream !  We jetted off to Vegas and while I'd love to tell you that my calm cool collective self on the plane.  Not was I.

I suck at flying.  In fact I don't remember most of the flight.  Perhaps the massive amounts of drugs I took combined with alchohol caused this.  Or not.  Perhaps I just plain don't remember the joyous occasion  because it's been THAT LONG since I've been on my own without worrying about a soul but myself.

So here's my BEST Vegas story

 We were attempting to see the Treasure Island Big Whoop Whore show.



 Right out in front  of the  Treasure Island  hotel for those of you non Vegas knowers.  Think big Pirate ships.. and scantily clad women.  Porno for pirates.  ( wink)  


Well we had a bad view.  So we decided to go to another area to get a better peek.  We weren't sure whcih way to go so Nenny suggested walking this one way.     Because she CAN do math and I can't she always wins.   It's like the law or something.   SO I fought this time.  I fought for my right to choose which way to go.  And she gave in.

* MAGIC OF VEGAS!*

MATHTARD UNITE!

I SEE this whole line of  Chinese people from far away.   All in a line taking pictures.  So I say to Nenny, because now  I'm in charge.   Mathtards RISE AND RULE!  LET'S FOLLOW THEM.. they HAVE  to know where they're going.  They obviously have a leader and he's beginning to wave them on.  So I say.. COMON' HURRY UP.  We walk together giggling and get in line  to the end of the line of Chinese tourists.  And we join their group. 

No joke. 

We are in a few pictures.  WE ARE  CHEESING like fluther muckers.   We continue to follow our new friends like little lemmings.   Bringin up the rear of their line.  Nodding our heads as they talk to us.  Our line rounds the corner and we realize that we are in line... for the tour bus.  

Awww.. smack daddy.  Ok. So Mathtards.. don't unite.  * Nenny 1 Supah 0*  So Nenny takes over.  We veer off course and follow this one path.  

 Two chother mucking  hours later we were STILL  walking AROUND THE ENTIRE FREAKING TREASURE ISLAND PERMIMETER.  I LIE YOU NOT.   It was like a labryinth maze that once you were in... David Bowie wasn't lettin you out.   It was our virtual desert.  And we were stranded.  Marching one foot in front of the other... dreaming of .. anything but walking.  At least in my case.

 Mid Labryinth... Nenny gets the hot diggity dog grumbles in her belly.  She's gotta shit something fierce and she's sportin some turtle.
Where we were?  I have no idea.  How a hotel can be THAT big.  BEyonD MY math limited  brain. There were NO PEOPle.   IT WAS getting scary.  We were in Vegas.  And there were NO PEOPLE.   There were also , no bathrooms.   She was pinching so hard she had to stop walking and breath it out.   I joked about bushes but she's all business when she's gotta poop so my funnies were lost on her. .

So FINALLY we see lights .. it was like a mirage.

Nenny is seriously breathing labor pains here.  Bent over.  Huddled.

I begin to run ahead.  I leave her to find an entrance.   I Shall save my sister.  I would ALSO like to see the damn show.    I am lightenging, I am fast.    I run like the wind.    I shall find her a bathroom!

 I never do.

She finds it first.  * Nenny 2  Supah 0*

She shits up a storm in the bathroom.  Not only did we FINALLY get to see the STUPIDEST show on EArth.. but WE got to walk the ENTIRE PERMIMETER of the Treasure Island hotel.

The .End.

I know bestow upon you .. lots of  really bad pictures.   This is what happens when you have no one to take pics for you.  But you're too self centered to take a picture of yourself alone in front of something.  Cuz that looks super stupid.  Like So:




So  you take them yourselves.  And THIS is what happens.

we decided to streak in front of the sphinx

In the LUxor.  I was obviously having a FAB HAIR DAY. 

Additional AWesome PICTURES. 

MY GIFT for MnM. 

xoxo
supah

Marriage: Don't Sweat the Small STuff.. especially if you video'd him snoring.

Dbd and I have always struggled somewhat <--- lie.   A lot with our marriage.  Two fools.  Two fools who were scarred terribly by childhood circumstances and family issues that created the two adults we are today.  Adults that have butted heads for 10 years. Butted heads not only with each other but with our own selves.  I'm testament that you get tired of doing that ... at some point.  And you give it up .  You surrender.

This year has been the happiest year of my marriage thus far.  I know.  That's a hard statement to throw out there huh?  But I"m all about honesty.  Marriage freaking sucks sometimes.  I'm the one friend who will tell you that when you're about to walk down the aisle.  Just call me Debby Downer.  But make damn sure it's done with a "y" ... just because.

 There are days I want to " cut him."  Go gangstah on his ass and smile as I see him suffer.  Now THAT'S love in it's purest form huh? I imagine putting a horsehead on his pillow... and smile because it just freaking makes me FEEL better after he has made some stupid ass move.

 But then those days often twiddle out pretty quickly and we move onward without looking back.  No grudges these days?.. WTF? Where have all the grudges gone?  Long time  passing?  <--- anyone know that reference?

  Nothing seems to last these days like it used to.  I'm able to release the inner thoughts of murder , fairly easy.   Does this come with time?  Does it come with maturity?  <--- who are YOU calling mature??

Does that simply come on the side of just plain having way too much more to worry about?  <---- perhaps

"Dont' sweat the small stuff."  

I hate that freaking cliched book but it is in essence  totally true.  The one person who will go to the ends of the Earth for m.e.. for my girls.. for my family.  DBD.

What more could I ask for people?  What more?

* the garbage emptied before it becomes a garbage fucking waterfall
* whiskers wiped out of the sink before they LAND ON MY FUCKING T BRUSH
* laundry noticed and done ...THAT MOUNTAIN?  Isn't Mt. etna.  It's our clothes you fucker. 
* cook a dinner once in a fucking blue moon -  it's not hard.  
* pick up the damn dogshit before it molds over

↑What list?↑ Where?  ↑I don't know what you're speaking of?

So this year.  I surrendered.  I just gave in and my life is happier for it. Our marriage is happier.  MT. Etna is still MT. Etna .. the dogshit moldy, my toothbrush hairy , the garbage a natural waterfall  and dinner-  all on me.

* grumblegrumblegrumgle--- gone.  <---see.. easy.
( it's also easy because there's that ONE VIDEO FLOATING AROUND ON THE WEB OF HIM SNORING )  <-- WHO SAID THAT???  she DELETED THAT VIDEO DBD!

What concessions have you found necessary in marriage/ relationships?

Spill it.