Thursday, April 8, 2010

Rhino Ballerina and Land Mines

Booger Bear ( age almost 1 yr)  has super sonic hearing.  Its some sort of superman sent gift from her REAL family on planet crytpon .....because surely she does not get it from DBD<--- he doesn't hear jack shit at any point in time.  He will lie to you and say that he can hear just fine.  HOwever Dr. SupahEarDoctor diagnosis different.  I once made  him get his hearing checked CONVINCED that being on a naval flight deck for all those years seared all parts of his ears. that produce SOUND.


 Or so says the Mickey Mouse doctor he picked for the test.  So anyways.  Booger bear can't REALLY be ours because she has BAT hearing. 

Do bats hear?  No huh?  Crap.  
Well you get the point.  

If I put her to sleep.  She does all good.  Until she hears one of us walking down our hallways. ONE LITTLE EENSY WEENSY CREEEEEEEEEAK... .... AND we're goners.   AB SO LUTE GONERS. 

So we have to be stealthy. 
*007 theme song insert HERE*


Here's how it all goes down..
I stay up all hours. 
I regret it always. 
I DECIDE TO  head upstairs.  I stand at the bottom of the stairs.  
I stare up at Booger Bears door... dead center at the top. 
I plan. 
I attack. 
I execute the stairs.
Tip toes... 1.....stair... side left.. 2 stair... 3 stair... crrrrrrrr... OHHH... back 2 stair.... * BREATH* try again 3 stair left... 4 and 5.. walking on air... stayin alive..stayin alive.. AH AH AH * pay attention SUPAH!!*  six stair cuuurrrrrreeeeeeee ahhhhhhhh???!!  * back to 5. * RIGHT side six stair.. seven .. teip toe... eight , nine and LEAP over 10.. <--- IT'S A MO FO creaker  11, side left.. 12. and TOP.. 

Pause.. breathe breath.. 
hold breath hold breath
NO sudden movements! 
Pivot body left.  
No sounds yet.  
Stare down long hallway to awaiting master bedroom. 
The hall is riddled with creaks and cricks.  It's a MINE FIELD ... 
I must navigate it like a champ. 

and GO! 
WAIT.. im not ready.  
BREATH breath.. 
I'm too fat for tippy toes these days.  
OK.. on tippy toes like some rhino ballerino... poised to plee-ay <-- ballet word  
down the hall..

and gently tippy toe step forward... 
no creaks
one more bigger step
 no creaks
getting braver
a little faster

leappppppppppp and land ! 
GET DOWN on ground
commando crawl the next 3 feet to evenly distribute weight of rhino ballerina
3 feet ..elbow.... knees elbow knees... ( rug burn OWWW!)
5 feet left! 
Tippy toe side step right... and shuffle ball change shuffle ball change

fallap heel.. fallap heell..

VICTORY!  the door! 
Phew* dramatic whiping of the brow is always a necessity here... even all alone in the hall with me myself and I. 
Open door  SUCESSS!!!!! Happy dance!  

Close door EVER SO QUIETLY.. turn to see DBD staring at me and then he says....... hey your favorite ever body pillow  that you can't sleep without is in the basement.  I forgot to tell you that. 


  1. Lmao you are soo funny! I've had an experience like this once I finally got B to sleep after standing by his crib, it was pitch black i sat down on the floor, slowly made it to my belly and slid out (hardwood floors) on my belly all the way down the hall to my room so he wouldnt hear me leave! my hubby laughed so hard that he woke B up and all that sneaky snakin was for nothing Hahaha

  2. You made DBD get your pillow, right?

    My son used to be like this and I hated it. I couldn't do anything when he slept! Now he's the opposite. He somehow set his alarm to go off at 3am last night and then hid it. Little bugger never moved as I stumbled around in the dark to turn it off.

  3. I'm thinking you made him retrieve the pillow, I know I would of.

  4. Oh my gosh the suspense! LoL, I felt like I was there creepin' along with you! Hehe, your too funny.

    And oh dang, the forgotten pillow?! That would most certainly produce an F bomb from yours truly! lol


    You have a LOT of steps! LOL

    I have done the "Mama Ballet" before although not as well as you! ;)

    And I hope you made DbD go get your pillow for you!

  6. That is hilarious!!! I hope you made him go get the pillow!!

  7. LMAO Luv it, luv it, luv it!! :D

    We live in a newbuild house - just 5 years old and our upstairs hallway squeaks and creaks like a haunted old Hammer House of Horror!!

    Thankfully my two girls would sleep through a tornado!! LOL

    BTW, I've nominated your fantastic blog for not one, but TWO blog awards!! Please stop by my blog to retrieve your bloggy bling!

    Have a lovely weekend!



  8. LMAO. BOTH of my kids are light sleepers and it effin sucks!! I have white noise machines in both of their rooms (babies r'us, $20, by Dex). Unfortunatley, they both get it from me. When I was a baby, my parents had to do the exact same thing.

  9. Holy heck batman. How bout we just sleep in the BASEMENT WITH THE PILLOW????????

    You funny:)

  10. Well shit... my comment disappeared.

    Short version

    We had our kids sleep with small fans in their rooms to use as white noise. Bud is almost 14 and he still has to sleep with one!

    we take it on vacay!